RACE 1: Australia

LEWIS THE KING
Well… you can imagine my delight when my beautiful little Lewis stormed past the masses and into the points. FOURTH PLACE! THIRD PLACE! Fourth… no third… no… fourth… whatever… decent points in the first race while the red bloody dirty bastards that are Ferrari remained at zero. Hamilton has gone from criticism to criticism… he does well? It’s because of the car. He makes a mistake? He’s a cheat, an idiot, a loser… well… he managed to finish with a decent amount of points in a car that moves like my Ford bloody Fiesta. I was so proud that he’d managed to prove me right and show it wasn’t the McLaren that lead him to victory last year (although I’m not denying that it played a major part) but it was his talent, his aggression, his ability, and of course his being so damn sweet.


LEAVE HAMMY ALONE
The it alllll came out. HAMILTON THE LIAR. HAMILTON THE CHEAT. Everybody is so quick to jump on the ‘I Hate Hammy’ ship. Nobody seemed to be able to recognise the simple fact that Hamilton is just an employee… he’s been under McLaren’s wing so long he has learned to trust them, and that he did. It all happened so quickly – he didn’t even get the chance to think, he just avoided disclosing all information straight away, as instructed to do. He made a mistake but where is the solidarity? He’s young and he just got unlucky. When you watch back the video that revealed it all, it’s clear to see that he knew what he was doing, he was right and his team let him down, he just didn’t have the confidence to stand up for himself. Lesson learned so please, let it go!


IT’S A RED BULL – BMV TRAVESTY
Regardless of the above, I think the prize for bad luck can go to only one person… future World Champ (touch wood), and the love of my life, Sebastian Vettel. We saw some really exciting racing from young German and the ice cold Kubica in Oz, but it all fell apart. It’s questionable whether such aggressive racing was really worthy – they were both heading for a podium finish and they killed it all with greed (having said that I guess that’s what it’s all about), but did Vettel really deserve to be penalised while Kubica walked off unscathed? I think NOT. The FIA just need to chill the hell out and let the races continue.


BUT THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Well, not all of them, just one team, and not ever after, but for this race at least. It truly was, in the words of the delighfully irritating Eddie Jordan, ‘a fairytale’. Two racers, long criticised, careers over, forgotten by press and fans alike, but ending up with a 1-2 in a brand new team under the one and only genius of them all, Mr Ross Brawn. Congratulations boys! I never really got the Button thing… he did crash into me on the dance floor of a club in Monaco after last year’s Grand Prix, spilling sticky booze down my bare legs and scuffing my shiny pretty shoes, so needless to say I didn’t think much of his balance or spatial awareness. But regardless, I just didn’t think he had it in him. Slagged off, or worse forgotten, by so many, I thought he’d given up hope, but it’s so exciting to see him shining in a great car.
And I can’t mention Brawn GP without raising a glass to lovely old Rubens Barichello. He’s so passionate, he cares so much and I LOVE it. Well done Rubes You got lucky to be on the podium, but I love you so we’ll let that bit go.